"I wanted to die. We thought, 'we should kill ourselves'." Kamraben's dark eyes tell us this story has a kind of suffering many feel but few can make sense of. I steal a nervous glance at her husband, Kamleshbhai. So many questions, but I can't speak. He looks back for a moment and then quickly turns away as their 4 year old slaps her hand into his, plopping herself down in his lap. Kamraben is smiling now. It's in this moment that, once again, I am completely caught up in the intense extremes that coexist here in India.
We're sitting on the cold stone of Ghandi's Ashram, a place of peace and a calm escape from the bustle of Ahmedabad, and yet my insides are raging as I silently curse my privileged life. How it's still not enough to sweep them up into my arms and take away every moment in the world a human has felt like that.
Kamraben is 22 and HIV+. So is her husband and their daughter, Roshniben. She's talking about when they found out their status was positive. The helplessness, the discrimination, kicked out of their family's house in the slum, feeling that suicide was the best option. "We were going to die anyways. At least we'd die together."
They've known for less than a year, but have been living with HIV for at least 3 years. The baby she's holding is the reason they know. When she gave birth to Virbhai, now 6 months old, the hospital tested her. Her positive status gave reason to test Roshniben and Kamleshbhai, who tested positive as well. The baby's testing is not final (blood tests test for the presence of antibodies, or our body's reaction to fighting HIV. It can take more than 6 months for an infected body to start producing antibodies), though the certainty with which Kamraben says Vir is HIV+ seems final.
It's hard to believe because her smile is so huge, so warm and she says, "Now, we are happy. We are living life, we are together." It boggles my mind. Her body is being destroyed by this virus, yet her strength is immense. The amount of happiness, positivity, and love this woman carries makes a small part of me believe in the good of the world again.
Video below: Roshniben playing peek-a-boo with his mother.
Please check back to hear more of their story. A world of appreciation to Nimesh and our friends at Manav Sadhna for the care and work they've done for the family, and to Kamraben, Kamleshbhai, Roshni and Vir for being so open and spending time with us.
Written by: Katy Lackey and Rina Kojima, India Coordinators
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